There’s a Boundary Problem in the Coaching Industry
and it’s hurting sensitive soul-centered women
The first thing I will say is:
I was part of the problem, too; and I’m a human being who is continually learning, too. What’s written in this piece is my opinion, and to quote the powerhouse that is India Arie, “don’t be offended this is all my opinion, ain’t nothing that I’m saying law, this is a true confession of a life learned lesson.”
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In early adulthood, I lacked boundaries.
Even though I began to grow them personally in my late twenties, it only made sense that when I started my business, I fell into a familiar pattern towards lacking boundaries yet again.
Part of this stemmed from a deep desire to help and support other sensitive women, who might have been feeling as alone as I did when I was suffering in the deep ends of anxiety disorders. I wanted to be the one that I didn’t have when I was in the trenches. I wanted to absolve some of their suffering, in the way that I wished someone would have absolved mine in the middle of many nights.
When I was swimming in those deep ends of anxiety, I often found myself behaving like a frightened child, and I often looked for someone ‘motherly’ or in a position of ‘authority’ to save or rescue me.
In my first year of business, I did the same thing.
Unfamiliar new territory mixed with crisis, scarce financial backing, death and accidents abound; I found myself again behaving like a frightened child, unconsciously looking for someone ‘motherly’ or in a position of ‘authority’ to save or rescue me. This is not isolated to me, but instead a western cultural conditioning that bleeds into the lives of little girls and emotionally under-developed women around the world.
The Disney movies influenced us.
The missing mother pained us.
And many of us were left with no guidance, which left us pining like princesses in castles.
A big component of the coaching and mentoring industry offers unlimited and unstructured messaging support - apps like Voxer, Telegram and Whatsapp are utilized to offer guidance, celebration, insights, and coaching in-between weekly calls.
In essence, there is nothing inherently wrong or bad about this.
But it is a very high-touch experience, kind of like working with a concierge doctor. I have offered it and I have experienced it multiple times.
Over time, I found it to be a slippery slope towards the act of enabling, where the coach ignores their own needs and becomes over-responsible for the client, mixed with the potential development of the client becoming overly-dependent on the coach.
And considering a large portion of the population grew up co-dependent, it might serve as an easy recipe of familiarity to slip back into.
I caught myself ignoring my own needs, because my clients’ voice notes and texts came straight into my phone.
I caught myself becoming overly responsible for my clients, because I cared deeply for them.
I caught myself becoming overly-dependent on my own coaches and mentors, because I had intimate access to them.
The gift of this insight?
I caught myself uncovering new layers of my own wounded patterns, that were calling to be resolved emotionally and somatically. Once I did that, the entanglements started to loosen and I chose what felt better for my body.
I’m not saying this is the case for everyone who offers or receives text and voice messaging support, but I think we need to hold wizard-like boundaries with ourselves and others if we choose to go this route. It’s a high-level of boundary to embody, if you should choose. Even operating with high-level boundaries, we must also be aware of the energetic thread that drops into our energy field as a result of receiving the inner process of multiple human beings at any time, day or night, especially if you run an international business like I do, with varying timezones.
Another piece I find for sensitive women is, when finding the self in a vulnerable spot, there is a tendency to reach out to be soothed before we reach in. So the immediate access to an app on our phone, leaves us typing a message or leaving a voice note that just needed to cycle through the body like a wave, either in our journals, in our own voice memo app, on a long nature walk, swim, hike or yoga class, or on a phone call with a trusted friend.
Otherwise, we risk opening a door that has already closed by the time the coach responds. What was active and present, is soon settled and past. The fleeting moment is over, and the next issue, problem, or desire has already come forth to be tended to.
And the coaching masterminds selling you into a ride or die sisterhood? Those are a big red-flag.
First of all, the very term ‘ride or die’ feels intensely binding in nature, doesn’t it? The same way a traditional marriage vow of ‘till death do us part’ is.
I’m not super into it.
‘Ride or die’ refers to someone who is extremely loyal and supportive, implying a deep commitment in a relationship; a loyal deep commitment with another human being does not develop fully in a 3-6 month period of time.
If it does, it could be falling under the category of a trauma-bond.
We must remember that healthy relationship’s take time to develop.
Your coach or mentor is not your family member or close friend. If you are paying someone for their services, there must be a line of professionalism that holds a container of safety for the client - otherwise you risk the development of a dual-relationship. The line grows fuzzy for the sensitive woman if the coach or mentor lets you into their emotional world. You might worry, is she ok? Does she still have space to hold me and my stuff? This relationship is not meant to be reciprocal in the way a partner or friend is.
(I must acknowledge that I too did this. When I was becoming a more fully expressed me in public, I shared and taught from open wounds and deep grief on Instagram, while they were active. I sensed the impact that had on my clients, and I learned a big lesson)
Being vulnerable with women in an online container is a beautiful thing, as I have experienced. The right one offers an incredible line of support, love and cheerleading.
But what happens when the online container closes?
What happens when you’ve poured your heart and soul into developing bonds with other woman who live on the other side of the world?
Only to feel raw, disconnected and alone when it’s over?
It’s a vulnerable landscape that needs to be acknowledged, with the over-connected but not-really-connected rise of followers on Instagram and friends on Facebook, online groups and multiple group text threads.
Are we really there?
Do we have the capacity to be truly present?
Are our real lives, family and longterm friends suffering?
Are we absorbing more than the brain and body is capable of taking in?
I stopped offering messaging support to my clients back in 2023, because my body screamed and shouted really clearly.
It said, this isn’t right - it’s enabling.
This isn’t right - it’s leaving less space for what I need in my real life to serve from an overflowing cup.
Because what we are all deeply craving is a place of more presence.
Whether online in a zoom room or in real life in our local cafe.
We need relationships that are attuned in real time, to feel the depth of connection we ache for.
We need phone calls and cups of tea.
We need walks and sits in the sun.
We need fire pits and hot chocolate.
We need to return to the well of connection within, and learn how to remain connected to self, in the midst of connection with others.
Which is exactly what I support women to do.
So if you’re ready to become wiser in your boundaries, more steeped into grounded reality, cultivate a deeper connection with your true self (so you stop searching to be saved by people and practices), expand your capacity for your deepest dreams, and become embodied in the courageous inner work your body is begging for - bloom is for you.
With love,
Emiscah