My Heart Didn’t Want It

3 years ago this month, my beloved aunt, godmother, and surrogate grandmother entered palliative care at home

while she was dying in her bed, I became the sickest I have ever been

the deepest ache in my bones, the most violent vomiting 

3 weeks later, she died near 3am, on my dad’s birthday

and the larger than life dream I was dreaming up

of making millions, owning multiple multi-million dollar homes, having a private jet, a small luxurious car, a private chef, and a life living on luxury, disappeared

I suddenly realized I was being heavily influenced by the allure of the extremely high-ticket coaching world, and dreaming up someone else’s idea of success 

my aunts death returned me to myself, just as being with her in life always did

and I remembered

that my heart didn’t want to make millions

I wanted to make an amount of money that would fund a home and a family 

my heart didn’t want multiple multi-million dollar houses

I wanted a cozy warm home I could call my own 

my heart didn’t want a private jet

I wanted to experience comfort while traveling 

my heart didn’t want a luxurious car

I wanted a safe and sturdy car that can hold a family 

my heart didn’t want a private chef

I wanted to remember how nourishing it felt for my hands to make food

my heart didn’t want a life living on luxury

I wanted a simple life in a backyard garden with my future children 

my heart didn’t want all the things that don’t matter when we die

my heart wanted to help humans heal, for them, for the children, and for the magic that is earth

And every time I feel the societal influence creeping back in

I remember my Auntie Bee

how she found a way to raise her son as a struggling single mother

learned how to make wise financial investments 

made big efforts to travel to see her family members

took me to Disneyland and the carousel near her house 

bought her own home, created a garden, harvested apricots and apples from her trees

hosted thanksgiving in complete ease within herself

cultivated environments where her family could connect

took pictures of everyone all the time 

didn’t own a cell phone or have social media to distract her

gave every ounce of her love and attention to her grand babies 

made people feel wonderful when they were with her.

I forever thank her for holding that torch and guiding that way, as that is the place within, where I always return.