A Root Of Panic
In the first week of July 2020, at the height of my debilitating anxiety turned panic disorder, I went to a new well-meaning acupuncturist and healer.
Desperately searching for help, I had been given a gift certificate for a treatment with her, and hoped she would be able to help with my persistent heart palpitations, constant worries, and strange body sensations.
Upon my first treatment, I presented with heightened anxiety, a pale face and shaky.
I shared that I was feeling a new layer of grief about my parents divorce, which was a significant trauma to bare at 4 years old.
I insisted that this wound was really active for me, and I thought it was the root of my debilitating anxiety.
She suggested that the trauma went back further.
She asked me to tell the story of how I was born.
She sensed that seemed to be the core wound, and that must be what is worked on in the present to help clear the anxiety.
She was right, but I now know I wasn’t ready to go there just yet.
She led me, and with a fragile sense of self, limited self-trust, lacking agency and tremendous suffering, I obliged.
She offered deep body work around my neck, shoulders and jaw, manipulating my head towards a powerful re-birthing experience.
She guided me towards unfurling some big emotions.
But the thing is, I had felt so anxious and unsafe when she started.
I was not resourced or grounded.
I could not self-regulate.
I didn’t feel connected to my body.
I didn’t know how to tell her it was too much, too soon.
A few days later, I experienced a panic attack that landed me in the Emergency Room (and this was not my first panic attack).
I was guided into a trauma I was not ready for. Content I didn’t have the inner sense of safety for.
When I was born at home, after my head came out, my body didn’t follow. My shoulder was stuck under my mother’s pelvis and my face turned blue.
I was lucky the nurse midwife knew what to do…. (the rest of the story is in my upcoming book)
So we must remember that trauma arises in layers.
Our body is very intelligent.
Our body and mind bring up what is ready to be worked with.
It does not matter if the core wound is where the current issue originates. We must not push, force, or bring up anything beyond what someone is bringing forth on their own.
As I always speak of, paying attention to the wisdom of the body is the guidepost.
Stick with what feels safe and resonates for you.
I learned the hard way.
I learned of what can happen when trauma is provoked, when we don’t have the inner sense of safety, window of tolerance, or capacity for it.
It can be de-stabilizing and re-traumatizing, and this is why trauma-aware and trauma-informed care is needed in all forms of healthcare, allopathic and “alternative.”
What I learned years later from my practitioner, is that we can take clues from the wise system of medicine that is homeopathy.
Homeopathy is designed to treat the presenting problem at hand, even if the core issue is known to be the causation.
Homeopathy does not dig further than necessary until the patient presents with the resolve it desires.
The same philosophy would be wise to use in with any modality offering trauma healing.
Every body is uniquely intelligent and is designed to find homeostasis.
Every body must be honored as the best barometer of what one is ready to look at, integrate, and resolve.
If healing practitioners dig deep into the root of someone's pain, before they are ready for it, it may not be in someones best interest. Healing practitioners may desire to be efficient and thorough when the root is clearly sensed. But this can bring up material that the body might not be ready for.
We must remember to trust the body and its signals. To trust what the mind and body bring forth, for our intelligence knows what is ready to be looked at, and we must not push, poke, or prod deeper than we are ready for.
Listen to your body when in healing spaces with coaches, counselors, therapists, practitioners and healers.
Pay attention to how your body feels if someone suggests something that you don’t feel ready for.
Notice the response within.
Follow your body and its wisdom always.
You can trust your body.
And if you desire to experience the somatic healing work I offer to begin resolving your problems, book in a somatic healing session here.
my mother on the right, my middle brother at the front, my oldest brother holding me, my father in the back, all gathered on the Belle Isle property where I was born.
